


Need

by MaliceManaged



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Divergence - Post-Thor (2011), Child Death, Damned Plot Bunnies, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, First Time, Frigga Is The Only Sensible One In The Family, Honestly It Works Out Okay, I don't even know how long this will be anymore, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jötunn Loki, Loki Feels, Loki Needs a Hug, Loss of Virginity, Marriage, Near Death Experience, Odin's A+ Parenting, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Plot Bunnies Hate Oneshots I Guess, Post-Thor (2011), Pre-Thor (2011), Pregnancy, Romantic Loki, Strong Bonds, Suicidal Thoughts, Understanding Loki, depressed character, suppressed emotions, venting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-29
Updated: 2015-12-09
Packaged: 2018-05-03 22:04:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5308694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaliceManaged/pseuds/MaliceManaged
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Needing a break from Asgard and all within it; Loki sneaks into Midgard, where he ends up saving a young woman's life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

    It was a simple plan. Well, actually, it wasn’t much of a plan at all. I just walked out of my place of residence and kept walking. I didn’t really have a destination in mind; just _away_. Away from everything and everyone I knew. Away from the noise and the silence. Away from the public pretence of normalcy and the private tears. Away from the empty smiles and internal screaming.

 

    Just away.

 

    My feet carried me to a cliff I’d never been to before, so lost I’d been in my thoughts. I looked around me and realised that wasn’t the only way I was lost; I couldn’t see anything familiar as far as my eyes could reach. Not that it mattered, really; it’s not like I would be missed. I walked right up to the edge of the cliff and looked down; it led to jagged rocks and surely certain death. The longer I looked, the more appealing the thought became, but I knew I wouldn’t do it; it would just be too easy. I didn’t deserve easy.

 

    “That would be unwise.” - A man’s voice said from behind me.

I started and whirled around; before me stood a tall pale man with black hair reaching to the nape of his neck and the greenest eyes I’d ever seen, dressed all in black with green and gold accents. I briefly wondered how I hadn’t noticed him before or heard him coming, but then I figured I’d just been too wrapped up in myself. He looked at me with a curious expression; I could’ve almost sworn there was a trace of concern, but I must’ve imagined it. Why would a complete stranger be worried about _me_ of all people?

 

    “Wasn’t gonna jump.” - I replied almost defensively, crossing my arms at my chest.

 

    “Good; that would be a terrible waste.” - The man said, and he actually looked _relieved_.

 

    I scoffed and asked, “What do _you_ even care? You don’t know me.”

 

    “Perhaps I would like to.” - He replied with a smile, and damned if it wasn’t a charming one.

 

    “No; you wouldn’t.” - I said more dejectedly than I intended and turned back to face the cliff’s edge.

I was usually better at hiding my true feelings, but the day had drained me too much to bother with my masks; more reason to give this stranger incentive to leave me alone. Apparently, he disagreed.

 

    “Now why would you be so sure of that?” - He asked, sounding closer to me, “You couldn’t possibly know what I would find worthy of my interest.”

 

    “If _I_ qualify, you need new interests.” - I replied, turning my head to look at him; and was surprised by how much closer he actually was.

I could reach my arm back and touch him easily. Not that I would of course, even if I actually knew him. Instinctively I took a step away from him, and he frowned slightly.

 

    “Do you fear me?” - He asked, cocking his head to the side a bit.

 

    “I value my personal space.” - I replied, “And I’m not overly fond of strangers.”

 

    He eyed me a moment, then said, “I get the feeling you are not overly fond of people in general.”

 

    “A feeling that’s largely mutual.” - I said with a shrug.

He looked at me strangely for a while, and I began to feel uncomfortable under the scrutiny of his gaze; it was almost like he was seeing past all of my walls and right at the mess behind them. I unconsciously wrapped my arms around myself and took another step back, not realising just how close I was to the edge of the cliff until the ground beneath me shifted and crumbled away.

 

    I barely had time to gasp as I realised I was falling before I felt a pair of strong arms grab hold of my own and pull me back to solid ground, my face against a leather-clothed chest. For a while, I’m not sure how long, neither of us moved except to breathe; I could feel my heart pounding frantically as what had almost happened settled in, just as easily as I could feel his from where my head was resting. When I finally dared to look up I found those green eyes looking right back at me with undisguised worry, and I quickly extracted myself from his arms. For a second, he actually looked disappointed.

 

    “Are you alright?” - He asked, beginning to reach out a hand towards me, then seeming to think better of it and lowering it back down.

I knew perfectly well he was talking about my near-fall, but the moment I heard those words - those _precise_ words - all I could think about was how very much _not_ alright I was; everything that I’d been pushing to the farthest corner of my mind, the years of being all but invisible to the world around me, all came crashing down on me and the sob passed my lips before I could even think to hold it back. I clamped my hands over my mouth, but I knew it was too late; my mask had slipped, and he’d seen.

    “Evidently not.” - He said, more to himself, and took a tentative step towards me.

 

    “I’m fine.” - I managed to choke out.

 

    He looked at me sceptically and asked, “Are you? Truly?”

I wanted to lie and insist that I was, or even to tell him it wasn’t any of his business if I wasn’t, but I couldn’t find the words; there was something in his eyes, something familiar, that kept me from saying anything that would make him leave. Instead, I let all pretence fall away, my façade of stoicism meant to shield me from the judgement of an uncaring life.

 

    “No; I’m not.” - I whispered shakily as the tears I’d held back for weeks began to flow freely.

He held out his hand to me and after a moment’s hesitation I took it; then he led me to a large rock farther from the edge of the cliff, where we sat. For a while, it might have been an hour or several, we simply sat there as I cried; he hadn’t let go of my hand and I hadn’t thought to pull it back, it was strangely comforting.

 

    When my tears finally ran out, he squeezed my hand slightly to get my attention and said, “Tell me.”

And I did; I told him everything. I told him about my brothers and their selfishness, my parents and their blatant favouritism at the expense of my well-being, my ‘friends’ who only remembered me when they needed something; I told him about how invisible I’d always felt, how I learned early on that I was different from most others around me and how harshly they’d judge me for it. I vented out all my frustration, my anger, and my loneliness; and the numbness that threatened to drown me at times. I told him of how, in a desperate attempt to feel _something_ , I’d made close friends with a knife, and showed him the scars along my arms left in its wake. I told him of how often I’d wanted to just die, but could never bring myself to make it happen simply because I didn’t think I was worthy of it.

 

    I told him everything. Everything I kept to myself because I knew nobody cared. And for whatever reason, he listened. He just sat there and listened to me ramble, not interrupting once, giving me his undivided attention. When the words finally ceased, I felt completely drained and yet... strangely peaceful; as thought a weight had been lifted from my chest.

 

    “You carry a great burden.” - He said after a moment.

 

    “I’m used to it.” - I replied with a half-hearted shrug, “I don’t even notice it most days anymore.”

 

    “A state I understand well.” - He said. I looked at him questioningly and he added, “You are not the only one obscured beneath a brother’s selfish shadow.”

 

    “That why you’re here?” - I asked and he nodded slightly.

 

    “It was either this or setting all hel to break loose; and I’m already on thin ice from the last time I did that.” - He replied; then he sighed and said, “I should probably return soon.”

 

    “Right. I should probably go home, too.” - I replied, trying not to let show how my heart sank at the thought of parting from him so soon, though he seemed just as reluctant to move away.

 

    “We should meet again.” - He said suddenly, looking at me with a hopeful expression.

 

    “We should.” - I replied, smiling slightly, then stood. He followed suit and I extended my hand to him and said, “I’m Lilith, by the way.”

 

    He took my hand in his and instead of the handshake I expected, he lifted it to his lips and placed a light kiss upon my knuckles; smirking slightly at the blush that crept on my cheeks despite my best efforts, he said, “I am Loki.”

 

    “Thanks for listening.” - I said when I found my voice again.

He had lowered our hands but had yet to let go, and once again I found myself in no hurry to take it back, though usually I avoided physical contact of any kind; his touch just felt right and I found myself completely at ease.

 

    “You needed it, and I was here.” - He replied simply, though his eyes told me he knew exactly what the gesture meant to me.

 

    “I’d like to offer the same.” - I said.

 

    He smiled at that, a genuine smile, and promised, “Next time.”

 

    And that was how I met my first true friend.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just write a oneshot, I said. Just to get it out of my system, I said. *sigh* Gods damned plot bunnies...
> 
>  
> 
> This turned out a lot longer than I planned, not to mention it went in a _completely_ different direction. Beware of sexy times ahead.  >_>

    “Thor is to be crowned within the week.” - Loki commented from his place on my lap.

 

    It had been three years since we had met on one of the lowest days of my life, and we had grown considerably closer than I ever thought would be possible. In that time we had come to know each other and our lives inside and out; he was my best friend, my confidant, and my first love, and I was just as much a source of comfort and trust for him. We shared everything; our thoughts and feelings, ideas, hopes, dreams. Our plans for the future, my education and career, his own standing in the palace and aesir society.

It was our second meeting when he told me he wasn’t human; I’d thought I’d heard his name before somewhere and looked it up, when next we spoke I asked him about what I’d found and he confirmed my suspicions. The whole thing was surprisingly easy to accept, and we’d even turned it into our own private joke.

 

    “Bit soon, isn’t it?” - I asked, shifting slightly against the tree I was leaning on.

I remembered when Loki had told me his brother had been declared his father’s heir; he’d been so disappointed and upset, and I could understand why. From what I’d been told of Thor, he was a warrior through and through with no mind for politics and the finer points of ruling; and Loki had worked so hard to prove himself worthy, only to not even be considered. He had told me he didn’t actually want the throne, he just wanted some recognition. To be noticed. A feeling I understood all too well.

 

    “I’m surprised it didn’t happen sooner, actually.” - Loki scoffed somewhat bitterly.

 

    “Well; your dad’s only _half_ blind, right?” - I joked. He laughed a bit despite his efforts to the contrary and I ran my fingers through his hair and said, “That’s better.”

 

    He turned over onto his side, looked up at me and said, “You are my light, you know.”

 

    I traced his jaw with my fingertips and replied, “And you’re mine. Guess we’re even.”

He laughed again, then sat up and moved closer to me, leaning over me and bracing himself on the tree with an arm above my head; his eyes searched mine for permission and I nodded. He closed the distance between us and captured my lips in a kiss; light at first, then deepening leisurely, as though we had all the time in the world.

 

    After what felt like hours we parted for air and he said, “I should take you home; the hour grows late.”

 

    “So it does.” - I replied with a sigh, not really wanting him to leave me just yet.

I worried sometimes that I was too clingy, but Loki always said that he understood the reason why, and that had he a choice he’d never leave my side either. We both knew that wasn’t exactly realistic, though. At least, not yet. Loki often told me he was figuring out a way to change that, but he never told me just what he was planning.

 

    He got to his feet then helped me to mine, and we walked out of the park and to my house. It had been his gift to me; a nice modest two bedroom house in a nice peaceful neighbourhood. He hadn’t told me just how he had acquired it and I hadn’t asked; I was just happy to have my own space. And the fact that I didn’t have to pay rent meant that I could devote more money towards my studies. I had, after some deliberation and suggestions, decided to go to pastry school, after which I would get a degree in business management and then open my own shop.

Loki for his part fully supported my plans, especially the first part of it; I’d discovered early on that he had a sweet-tooth that could rival my own, which was saying something, and he often ended up ‘taste-testing’ the things I made.

 

    “Home, sweet home.” - I chimed as I opened the front door. I pulled him along by the hand entwined with my own and walked in; he closed the door behind him with a wave of his other hand and I rolled my eyes and said, “Show off.”

 

    “Have I ever denied it?” - He retorted with a playful grin, and I scoffed and shook my head in mock-disapproval.

After a quick dinner and a not so quick dessert in which I introduced Loki to the wonders of Nutella and coconut mousse; we lay on a blanket in the backyard enjoying the quiet and sharing the occasional kiss or caress.

 

    I broke the silence after a while to ask, “So; what are you going to do next week?”

 

    “In regards to?” - He asked back.

 

    “You know what.” - I replied.

 

    “I’m afraid I have no idea of what you speak.” - He said in an all too innocent tone, sitting up and moving to hover over me, bracing himself on his arm.

 

    “Loki...” - I warned, looking up at him seriously. He grinned and leaned down to kiss me deeply, his tongue seeking entrance into my mouth, which I denied. I placed my hands on his chest and pushed him back, saying, “Stop trying to distract me.”

 

    “I am not.” - He replied, then grabbed hold of my wrists and pinned them over my head.

He began kissing me again and this time I granted him the permission he sought, moaning slightly into the kiss, to which he smirked.

 

    As his lips moved from my lips across my jaw and to my neck, I said breathlessly, “You so are; and dammit, it’s working.”

He chuckled and began nipping at my skin gently. One of his hands slowly caressed down my arm, over my shoulder and past my ribs to crawl up my shirt, ending at my chest; he quickly undid the clasp at the front of my bra and pushed the cup aside, then he cupped my breast and kneaded it gently earning a sharp gasp from me.

    “Loki...” - I whispered shakily.

 

    “Tell me to stop.” - He whispered back, the same as he had always said since the first time he had kissed me a year ago.

I found I didn’t really want him to and let out a pleased sigh instead. Before long both my shirt and bra were gone, and Loki had taken one of my breasts in his mouth, turning my gasps into outright moans; he turned to the other and gave it the same treatment then began to kiss, lick and gently bite his way down my stomach, stopping at my hips at the hem of my skirt.

 

    He looked up at me, smirking rather smugly at my panting and flustered state, and I managed to say, “Oh, shut up.”

 

    “I haven’t said a word.” - He laughed.

Still looking at me, he placed his hands on my knees on either side of him and slowly ran them up my thighs, pulling up my skirt with them; he kissed and nipped on my inner thighs until he reached my underwear, then he looked back up at me briefly and reached his hand to the side of my hip to pull the zipper of my skirt down.

 

    “Wait.” - I said as he began to pull my skirt down. He stilled instantly and looked up at my face in concern and slight disappointment. I sat up and said with a slight pout, “This isn’t exactly fair; how come I’m the only one getting undressed?”

 

    Loki breathed a laugh and replied, “A fair point, my lady.”

With that he sat back and began deftly removing layers of his clothes until he sat shirtless before me, and I bit my bottom lip, openly ogling him. It wasn’t the first time I’d seen him like this, we had gone swimming a few times in the past, but this was different; for starters I hadn’t been hopelessly aroused then. And there was that smug smirk again as he noticed my staring, then he returned the favour as his eyes ran appraisingly over me and he licked his bottom lip.

 

    He moved forward again, capturing my lips in a passionate kiss and gently pushing me back onto the blanket. He broke the kiss and moved down to my bottom half again, pulling my skirt and underwear down at once; kissing his way back up, he looked up at me and winked before diving in between my legs, wresting a loud gasping moan from my throat as he began licking and sucking on my clit. My eyes fluttered shut and my hands fisted on the blanket below me at his ministrations, and before long he reduced me to a gasping and whimpering mess.

Loki carefully inserted a finger into me and I cried out and arched my back at the new sensation it caused; he slowly pulled it out almost all the way then pushed it back in, gradually increasing the pace and inserting another finger. Just when I began to think I couldn’t stand the fire burning in my belly for much longer, Loki curled his fingers in me and the tension building in me snapped as my climax crashed over me.

 

    “Norns; you are perfect.” - Loki murmured as he brought me down from my high and moved back up to my face.

He kissed me sloppily and I tasted myself on his tongue and groaned, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him as close to me as I could.

 

    I could feel his own excitement pressing against me and I pushed him away slightly and said coyly, “We should probably take care of that; shouldn’t we?”

 

    “Only if you are certain.” - Loki replied, holding himself back for my sake as ever.

 

    “I’m sure.” - I said without hesitation. He sat back and rid himself of the last of his clothes. I bit my bottom lip as I took in the sight before me and asked, “Just out of curiosity; are the women in Asgard blind?”

He let out a laugh and shrugged, then he moved back over me, placing his forearm besides my head to hold his weight off of me; he ran his other hand over me then hooked it under my knee and pulled my leg up to his waist. He grabbed a hold of his cock and lined himself up with my entrance, then looked back up at my face and locked our gazes.

 

    “This will hurt a bit.” - He warned.

I nodded and he slowly began to push into me; when he was about halfway in I hissed suddenly in pain, and he distracted me with a searing kiss until he was seated all the way in. He stilled completely, whispering encouraging and loving words in my ear until I adjusted to him, then he slowly pulled out halfway and gently pushed back in, drawing pleasured groans from the both of us.

 

    He slowly increased the speed and force of his thrusts as the pain ebbed completely until he had built up a steady rhythm as he pulled almost all the way out and pushed back in, grunting and panting in my ear while the volume of my own cries of pleasure increased. At some point my legs ended up wrapped around his waist and my hands at his shoulder and back as the coil in my stomach tightened, and as my climax washed over me again I cried out loudly and raked my nails down his flesh, earning an almost feral growl from Loki as he picked up the pace even more, chasing his own pleasure until he came within me with a cry of his own.

 

    We lay there for a long while, trying to catch our breaths; then Loki gently pulled out of me and rolled onto his back next to me, wrapping an arm around my shoulders and pulling me to his chest. I threw an arm across his stomach and sighed contentedly, nuzzling my face into his chest as he ran his fingers up and down my other arm lazily. I had almost dosed off when I remembered the question that had led to this in the first place.

 

    “Just so you know; you still have to tell me what you’re planning for next week.” - I said against Loki’s skin.

He groaned, clearly hoping I had forgotten about that, and I sat up and looked him straight in the eyes unwaveringly; a skill that took me two months to master.

 

    He looked up at me then sighed and said, “I can’t tell you what I am planning.”

 

    “Loki...” - I scolded.

 

    “It is the truth, beloved; I swear.” - He said, sitting up, “I cannot tell you because I don’t know yet what I will do.”

 

    I narrowed my eyes slightly and he returned my gaze unflinchingly; then I sighed and said, “Just... don’t go too far. I know he’s an ass, but he’s still your brother.”

 

    “I will not.” - He assured, “He may frustrate me to breaking point, but I do love him.”

 

    “Good. I can’t exactly visit you in prison, you know.” - I said half-jokingly. He laughed and leaned forward to kiss me. As he pulled back I stared down at my hands and after a moment said, “I’m serious, though; I don’t think I can bear losing you.”

 

    He cupped my face in his hands, turned my face to meet his and said seriously, “I would never leave you like that. Ever.”

I nodded and he pulled me into a hug and laid us back down onto the blanket. He ran his fingers through my hair and, combined with the sound of his heartbeat, lulled me to a peaceful sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First time writing smut. I don't know how realistic it turned out; I have exactly zero clue what the hel I'm talking about. ^^;


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a heads up: If this chapter seems a bit disjointed; I assure you it is completely intentional.

    I paced in front of my computer desk restlessly, torn between worry, disbelief and confusion; on my screen were various tabs with news articles, photos, and videos all reporting on the destruction of a small town in New Mexico by something no-one seemed to agree on what it was, but I recognised well enough from Loki’s descriptions as the Destroyer that guarded Asgard’s weapons’ vault. But what the hell was it even doing on Earth in the first place; much less attacking a town in the middle of nowhere?

 

    My heart was filled with fear and worry for Loki; he hadn’t come to visit since the week before Thor’s coronation, and that had been a week ago. I couldn’t help but to think that whatever plan he’d come up with to disrupt the ceremony had backfired horribly. It was the only thing that made sense to me given his absence and the Destroyer’s apparent rampage. I looked at the computer again and silently prayed I was over-worrying. Let me be wrong.

 

    Let him be alright.

 

 

   Two months passed, and still Loki didn’t return to me. By now I feared the worst; he had never gone this long without a word before. I had immersed myself in work and study to try and keep my mind off him, but it was pointless; more so because I had recently discovered a rather pointed reminder of him he’d left behind. Who would have thought the _one_ time were intimate would be enough to leave me pregnant? Sometimes I found myself thinking old thoughts; life truly had a twisted sense of humour.

 

 

    Five months. Five months and the weight of my loneliness was threatening to crush me completely. I hadn’t realised before just how much of my happiness was tied to Loki, but now it was more than obvious. It took all I had to try and keep going, and it was only the thought of the child within me that motivated the effort; even if I had lost Loki forever, I could at least survive for our child. He would want that.

 

 

    I gave birth to a boy; he measured twenty-four inches and weighed thirteen pounds, he had his father’s complexion and hair but his baby-blue eyes changed to match my own as he grew. I named him Edvard, simply because Loki had once told me he liked the name. He was a calm, quiet child, pensive like his father.

Myself, I was mostly numb. I worried, when I could find it in me to do so, about the effect my general apathy to life would have on my smart little boy, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do more than just survive. I needed Loki.

 

    I needed my light back.

 

 

    Once, I had thought losing Loki was as bad as my life would get. Oh, how wrong I was.

It was an accident, they told me; nobody’s fault, just a terrible accident. He was gone before he even reached the hospital; him and several others. I never even got to say goodbye. Six-and-a-half years, and the only thing keeping me alive was just... gone.

 

 

    I’m not sure how it happened, I hadn’t consciously intended to go back there, but I found myself facing a familiar cliff. It had been four months since I’d lost my son and I’m not sure how I had managed to keep breathing, but I did. I inched closer to the edge, as I had all those years ago, and looked down at the rocks below. This time, though, they didn’t seem so far away.

 

    “That would be unwise.” - A man’s voice said from behind me, and I gasped.

Slowly, I turned around and the air was ripped out of my lungs. He looked a bit different, his hair was longer and the light that always shone in his eyes seemed dulled somewhat, but it was him.

 

    “Loki...?” - I whispered shakily, taking a few steps forward, fully expecting him to disappear at any moment.

Instead he nodded, and I all but ran to him; when I reached him I drew my hand back, palm open, and I slapped him as hard as I could manage. He looked a little shocked for a second, but then straightened up and opened his mouth to say something, only for me to interrupt him by slapping him again. And again, and again. By the fifth time he caught my wrist, and so I bashed my free hand against his chest with a frustrated cry. I didn’t stop hitting him, even when he released my wrist, crying out in anger and hurt until I dissolved into sobs of anguish as I finally fully felt all of my losses.

 

    My legs refused to keep me up any longer and Loki wrapped his arms around me and lowered us to sit on the ground, holding me close as I fell apart against his chest. I’m not sure how long I cried, and I could vaguely hear him murmur something to me but my foggy mind couldn’t make out the words he said. He didn’t speak again until I had stopped crying.

 

    “You didn’t say you wouldn’t.” - He said. When I didn’t reply he pulled back from me, taking hold of my shoulders, and looked me in the eyes, searching. He didn’t seem to like what he found, and his eyes widened as he looked at me rather horrified and asked, “Did you intend to?”

 

    “And why not? Nobody needs me anymore.” - I replied, sounding as empty as I felt.

 

    “Someone does.” - He insisted, squeezing my shoulders slightly.

 

    At that I felt a flash of anger and I asked, “Then why did you _leave me?”_

 

    He looked down remorsefully then back up at my eyes and replied, “I did not mean to. I swear to you, Lilith; I did not mean to, and I am so, so sorry.”

 

    “What happened?” - I asked brokenly, my anger forgotten, “ _Six. Years._ What happened?”

 

    Tears began to fall from his eyes unbidden and he managed to choke out, “I let it go too far.”

 

    He told me everything; what he’d done to disrupt Thor’s coronation, how he intended for him to break more of Odin’s rule to get him into deeper trouble, Thor’s idiotic idea to go to Jötunheim and the revelations that brought with it.

 

    “He lied. My entire life; he lied. Every time he called me ‘son’. Every time he claimed to care.” - Loki spoke bitterly, hands tightly clenched into fists, “Mother said he didn’t tell me the truth so would not feel different, and she might even believe it. If it were true then he failed miserably, because that is all I have ever felt. Different. Wrong. Insufficient.”

I placed my hands over his and he took a deep breath, letting it out slowly before he continued. He told me Thor was banished to Earth for inciting a war and that shortly after, his confrontation with Odin over his true origin ended in him falling into the Odinsleep, thus making Loki the only available heir to the throne; he had every intention to use this opportunity to prove he was just as worthy to be Odinson as Thor had always been considered, he would be the wise and cunning ruler he had trained to be.

    “My mind was poisoned. I couldn’t purge what I was from my thoughts; the monster lurking just below this skin.” - He said, staring at his left arm as though it were a foreign object, “And so I decided to erase it, all of it. I returned to Laufey and gave him the means and opportunity to strike Odin down where he slept; and then I killed him.”

 

    He explained how he’d intended to keep Thor on Earth and out of the way, but was betrayed by Thor’s friends and the Gatekeeper who let them pass despite his explicit orders to the contrary; he admitted he went a bit overboard sending the Destroyer after them, but hadn’t really been thinking clearly at the time. He told me of how Thor had regained his full power by proving himself the man he’d always had the potential to be if he only learned to see past himself, and how he’d returned to Asgard just after Loki had killed Laufey and revealed his hand in things.

 

    “Though of course he couldn’t discern my actual reasons, not that I ever expected him to.” - Loki scoffed.

He told me how he had tried to use the Bifrost to destroy Jötunheim, much to my horror, though now that he had time to think about it he agreed it was a bit much. He told me how he and Thor fought on the bridge and how Thor, realising he couldn’t stop the device from ripping Jötunheim apart, resolved to just destroy the bridge even if it cost him the love he had found in New Mexico. He explained how the resulting shockwave had knocked them back and almost off the bridge if not for Odin having woken and caught Thor, who had grabbed hold of Gungnir while Loki held onto the other end; he had looked up to Odin, desperate for him to see what he had intended, his reasons for everything, but Odin only eyed him with disappointment.

    “I could have let go. I wanted to. But then I thought of you.” - He said, cupping my cheek in his hand, “I would have returned to you, but Odin sent me to the dungeons. Mother has only just managed to convince him to let me go, I know not how, but it is temporary.”

 

    “So you’re leaving me again.” - I said, looking away.

 

    “No.” - He replied firmly.

 

    “You just said...” - I began.

 

    “I’ve no intention to return.” - He interrupted.

 

    “Loki...” - I said tiredly.

 

    “No, Lilith; I have made up my mind.” - He said, leaning forward to rest his forehead on mine, “I don’t care what it costs; I am never leaving you again. I need you. You remind me who I am; that I mean something.”

 

    “You mean _everything_.” - I breathed, throwing my arms around him and crashing my lips upon his.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm thinking this might have one more chapter in it, maybe two.

    Loki grieved. He grieved for the son he never knew, for not having been there when I brought him into the world, or to see him grow. He grieved for not being there when he was gone, or to help me through the loss. He grieved as I grieved, but for the first time I knew this would pass; the pain would lessen until it became bearable, and we would move on. Because this time, we weren’t alone; this time we had each other to lean on and help back up. It would take time, but at least it was possible.

 

    I woke in his arms, as I had for the past three months, to find him still asleep. He looked peaceful, the weight of all he bore kept temporarily at bay by whatever he dreamed of, and I found myself just staring at him; this man, this god, who had given me life when I hadn’t wanted it. As I watched his eyes move beneath his closed lids as he dreamed, I reached a hand up and brushed away the locks of hair that had fallen over his face some and heard him sigh at my touch.

I was surprised no-one had come for him yet; he told me he had hidden his presence from Heimdall as he had in the past, but it wasn’t as though they wouldn’t be looking for him. He had told his mother about me and wasn’t hiding from her so he figured she was behind his extended stay, but I liked to think that just maybe Odin had allowed it to attempt to make up for his shortcomings as a father, though I never told Loki that.

 

    “Do you intend to stare all morning?” - I heard Loki’s sleep-heavy voice ask amusedly.

 

    “Can you blame me?” - I countered.

 

    “Mm, no; I cannot.” - He replied with a smirk, opening his eyes.

 

    “My; so humble.” - I said sarcastically. He rolled us so that I was on my back and he was on top of me, kissed my lips once then moved down to my neck and I moaned, “Loki...”

 

    “Tell me to stop.” - He murmured against my skin as he bunched up my nightgown in his hands and started pulling it up my legs.

 

    “You know I won’t.” - I managed.

He pulled my gown over my head and tossed it aside, then sat back and raked his eyes over my naked form; I sat up and removed his shirt, kissing him hungrily, to his slight surprise. He pushed me back, returning the kiss with the ferocity of one long denied such things and ground his hips against mine, earning a lustful groan from the both of us.

 

    Hands wandered, caressing and groping as we discovered each other anew, and the heat within and between us built up with every needy kiss. Loki reached between us and opened to front of his pants, freeing his cock; he didn’t even bother removing the garment as he plunged into me in a single thrust, earning a startled cry of pleasure from me. Childbirth had widened me somewhat, and with my current state of arousal it didn’t take very long for me to adjust to his size. Loki wasted no time setting up a fast, deep pace that had me clutching his shoulders so tightly my nails dug into his skin as loud moans fell from my lips. I came with a breathless cry, biting down on his shoulder, and he followed soon after with my name on his lips.

 

    “I have waited... so long for that.” - Loki said between pants as we caught our breaths and I laughed between my own.

 

 

    We made love again twice before we managed to get out of bed, and once more when Loki ignored my half-hearted warning and came into the shower with me, before finally making it to the kitchen for some much needed breakfast. Or lunch, rather. The meal was eaten in silence, neither of us particularly inclined to talk wrapped up in our own thoughts as we were; and afterwards we went right back to bed, though all we did was lie in each other’s arms occasionally dosing off.

Evening came around and our stomachs reminded us that, personal thoughts on moving aside, they needed to be filled and we ended up sitting on the kitchen floor sharing a tiramisu I had made the previous day. Once it was gone we’d set the dish aside and I curled up on the floor with my head on Loki’s lap as he stroked my hair.

 

    “I wanna meet her.” - I said suddenly.

 

    “Who?” - Loki asked, not having the slightest clue as to whom I could be referring.

 

    “Frigga.” - I replied, turning onto my back and looking up at him.

 

    “That would require taking you to Asgard.” - Loki said.

 

    “I know.” - I replied.

 

    “Where Odin and Thor are.” - He added.

 

    “Know that, too.” - I replied.

 

    “Lilith; they are the _last_ people I want you near.” - He said, “They have a habit of breaking everything I care about.”

 

    I sighed and said, “You yourself told me Thor’s changed for the better, and I highly doubt anything he could come up with would be worse that what I’ve already gone through.”

 

    “I wouldn’t be so certain.” - Loki muttered bitterly, absently picking at his lips.

 

    “Try giving birth sometime.” - I replied, reaching up and taking his hand away from his mouth, “You learn a thing or two about managing pain.”

 

    “I still would keep you well away from Odin; he has not changed at all.” - Loki said firmly.

 

    “I’m sure you’ll figure something out; you always do.” - I said, sitting up and resting my head on his shoulder.

 

 

    My assumption proved correct four months later. Loki woke that morning in high spirits and, after breakfast and a rather more carnal dessert; he all but dragged me to our room, dressed me in one of my more formal dresses, and then out of the house. He didn’t tell me where we were going and I knew better than to ask; he delighted in surprising me and I had yet to find a way to get any straight answers out of him when he set his mind to it. Surroundings grew familiar and before long we were back at the cliff where it all began.

 

    “Any particular reason you brought me all the way out here in my fancy dress?” - I asked as he sat me down on the large rock where we first talked, and I vaguely noticed there was a blanket under me. He didn’t answer, just stepped back and looked around, anticipation on his face. I waited a few moments, then called to him, “Loki? Why are we here?”

He began to turn his face to me to reply when something caught his eye, a moment later he broke into a large smile. I followed his gaze and saw a woman walking towards us; she looked positively regal, and the love and warmth in her eyes as she saw Loki told me this could be none other than Frigga. As soon as she was close enough Loki rushed to her and hugged her tightly, an embrace that was just as enthusiastically returned.

 

    When they separated Loki walked over to me and offered me his hand, which I took without a thought, and brought me over to stand before his mother. Frigga regarded me with a warm smile, but I couldn’t help feeling a bit nervous all the same; the way Loki spoke of her told me how much he valued her and I worried I would disappoint her somehow. I wasn’t exactly much, after all.

 

    “So; you are the one I have to thank for my son’s life?” - She said and I fidgeted slightly under her gaze. Loki squeezed my hand reassuringly and I looked at him briefly before turning to Frigga once more. She frowned slightly then said, “You have nothing to fear from me, child, and nothing to worry about; I am infinitely grateful for the light you brought into Loki’s heart. Would that I had known of you sooner; so much of what has happened perhaps could have been avoided.”

And before I knew it, she was hugging me. I stiffened at first, unaccustomed as I was to any affection besides Loki’s, but then I began to relax and even hug back with fading tentativeness. When we parted I noticed Loki staring at me a bit worriedly, then Frigga brushed her thumbs across my cheeks, wiping away the tears I hadn’t even realised I’d shed.

 

    “Thanks.” - I managed to utter, throat slightly tight.

 

    Frigga nodded then said, “I know of your loss. You have my deepest condolences; no parent should ever have to outlive their child.”

I didn’t trust my voice this time, so I simply nodded and no more words were said on the subject. What more could be said? I missed my son fiercely, but with Loki by my side to share my grief it had begun to become more bearable.

 

    We sat down on a bench Frigga had conjured and spent the rest of the morning and all afternoon simply talking. By the time evening came around and Frigga had to return to Asgard I felt more at home with her than anyone I’d ever met save Loki, and I felt that familiar pang of sadness at the thought of her leaving. I was also worried that she’d take Loki with her, which they both quickly picked up on; to my slight relief it seemed I wasn’t the only one worried about it, as Loki seemed a bit uncomfortable all of a sudden.

 

    “You needn’t worry; I am not parting you.” - Frigga said with a smile, “I have spoken with Odin and he has agreed that, as long as Loki causes no trouble, you may remain together for the time being. I suggest you take full advantage of this opportunity.”

 

    That last sentence was clearly aimed at Loki and he replied, “I will, mother. Thank you.”

With a final embrace to the both of us, Frigga left the way she came, leaving us to enjoy a quiet while of stargazing before returning home for dinner.


	5. Final Chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the last chapter, mostly 'cause I didn't really want to continue with this story but I hate to just not finish something.

    The anniversary of Edvard’s death came and went better than I had expected; I was afraid that I would shut down completely like I had when his birthday had come around but I didn’t. I visited his grave with Loki and then spent the day doing very little, sure, but it wasn’t the near catatonia I’d fallen into before.

A few months later I finally did meet Thor. There had been an alien invasion in New York and he was there to help stop it. It was all over the news; Loki and I had watched it and he spent most of the time distracting me from the horror by pointing out flaws in the aliens’ plan of attack and how it would lead to their downfall. When it was over Thor came by to see Loki before he returned home. Things were strained but I could tell the two had missed each other despite all that happened between them. I had trouble reconciling the man I met with the one Loki told me of before; he really had changed.

 

 

    The day of my twenty-eighth birthday is one that will stay with me for as long as I live; for it was the day that Loki finally trusted me with the one thing he feared sharing. I had never liked big celebrations; crowds of people - even people I knew well and liked to be around - always made me uncomfortable, and my birthdays had never been a very big deal growing up. Instead Loki and a neighbour we got on well with organised a nice little get together in her house with her husband and kids, whom I adored, I made my own cake as I always had, and it was just perfect. When we returned home that night and were getting ready for bed, Loki turned to me and I could tell he was nervous about something.

 

    “Everything okay?” - I asked, pausing in lacing up the top of my nightgown.

 

    “I have something for you; something that is quite overdue.” - Loki replied hesitantly.

 

    “What?” - I asked, walking up to him.

 

    “Me.” - He replied. I looked at him in confusion and he elaborated, “You know that I am... that I am not an aesir as I was raised to believe I was. That I am a jötunn...”

 

    “Yeah, you told me that.” - I said when he hesitated. I reached forward and took his hands in mine, trying to encourage him, “And I told you it makes no difference to me.”

 

    “I long to believe that. I do. But I need to be sure.” - He said heavily.

He took a step back, releasing my hands, and closed his eyes, appearing to concentrate. Slowly, his skin began to change right before my eyes, turning a deep blue colour marked by what appeared to be a series of tribal lines along his face, chest and arms as far as I could see. Taking a deep breath, he opened his eyes, which had changed from the brilliant green I knew so well to a crimson red and I let out a shuddering breath.

 

    “So; that’s a frost giant.” - I said.

Loki nodded, struggling to keep his expression blank. I walked forward and reached out a hand to him but he stopped me just short of touching him.

 

    “Don’t.” - He warned, “I do not wish to hurt you.”

 

    “Right.” - I said, remembering what he’d told me once about a jötunn’s touch, and lowered my hand back to my side.

 

    “This is it.” - He said quietly after a moment, gesturing to himself, “This is all I have left to give you.”

 

    I stepped closer to him, mindful not to actually make contact, and looked straight into those crimson orbs, replying with absolute conviction, “I accept it.”

Loki let out the breath he had been holding, changed back into the skin I was so familiar with and wrapped his arms around me, kissing me with a passion that threatened to consume.

 

 

    When I was thirty, Loki and I got married at Frigga’s suggestion. It was a formality above all else, since we had already given each other all we had to give and knew that nothing short of death would ever part us, but it did also serve to grant me a sort of citizenship in Asgard.

Four years after that found me living in the Realm Eternal with my husband, awaiting our second child. As with Edvard, it wasn’t exactly planned - if fact we had been actively avoiding it - but after a frank discussion with Frigga, we came to accept it and be happy. It also came to be that with Thor spending so much of his time on Earth, Loki finally had his opportunity to shine as Odin began delegating duties to him perfectly suited to his calculating and political mind. The rift between father and son was all but irreparable, but it could not be denied that Loki was nothing short of an asset to the realm. It was all my dearest friend had ever wanted; to be recognised for what he could offer, not for who he wasn’t.

 

    “Freyja herself would be fraught with envy if she came across such a vision as the one before me now.” - Loki said from the entrance to the balcony I stood on to watch the stars.

 

    “Oh, is that so?” - I responded with a smile as I turned around, leaning against the stone railing.

 

    “Very much so.” - He replied as he walked towards me, encasing me in his arms as he reached me and placing a soft kiss on my lips. He slipped a hand between us to rest on my swollen belly and asked, “Have they given you any trouble today my love?”

 

    “Besides taking offence at the current location of my kidney; no, not really.” - I replied wryly.

 

    “It will all be over soon.” - He said sympathetically.

 

    I rested my forehead against his chest with a sigh and muttered, “Not soon enough.”

 

    “If I could shoulder some of this burden, I would.” - He said, rubbing his hand over my back in soothing circles.

 

    “No, you wouldn’t; this sucks.” - I replied with a laugh, which he returned.

 

    “Come; sit with me.” - He said, stepping back and pulling me with him into our rooms.

We sat on a couch in front of the fireplace, Loki cradling me in his arms, one hand idly rubbing my belly, just watching the flames. After a while I began to hum softly, just a song I had heard once as a girl but had since forgotten the words to, and it wasn’t long before Loki dozed off with me following soon after.

 

    The next morning I awoke in bed, where Loki had brought us at some point in the night, to find him still asleep next to me. I got up and, after a quick bath, dressed and left the room. Walking through the halls as quickly as I could manage, I passed some people who greeted me with a deference I was still getting used to, before reaching my destination in the palace’s kitchens; there I was received with more familiarity from the cooks and staff, who I had endeared myself to soon after arriving.

 

    “That day already, Lilith?” - One of the younger cooks, a woman named Brynja who had basically adopted me as a sister, asked me with a warm smile as I donned an apron.

 

    “That day indeed, Bryn.” - I replied happily as I gathered up ingredients and set myself to work.

Every year on the morning of the anniversary that marked the day we met I baked a cake for Loki and myself. Time flowed a bit differently in Asgard than Earth, but we had worked out the difference so we could celebrate it properly. Once it was done I carried it - and a basket full of other, more breakfast-appropriate food Brynja and the others wouldn’t let me leave without - and headed for a somewhat more private corner of Frigga’s gardens where Loki was waiting for me, sitting against a tree and reading a scroll that likely contained some official business.

 

    “What have I told you about bringing work to our dates?” - I scolded lightly when I reached him.

 

    “Forgive me for wanting to maintain the peace.” - Loki scoffed jokingly, vanishing the scroll and standing up to help me.

 

    “Surely the realms can manage without you for an hour or two.” - I teased as he took the basket from me, pecking his lips before moving to the small table he had conjured and setting the cake down on it.

 

    “One can only hope.” - He replied with a laugh, spreading the food out on the table then helping me sit before sitting down himself.

After eating we spent the rest of the morning talking and reminiscing, walking through the gardens leisurely, ending up before a pond full of colourful fishes.

 

    After a while of peaceful silence I turned to him and said, “Thank you.”

 

    “For?” - He asked, eyeing me curiously.

 

    “Saving my life.” - I replied.

Loki hummed and leaned down to press a kiss on my lips.

 

    After another moment of silence, he said, “Thank you for saving mine.”


End file.
